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I Keep Killing Myself Or Getting Killed In My Dreams


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#1 Benubi

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Posted 15 June 2013 - 10:27 PM

Ok, so a repeating theme in my dreams for the last two months has been either a) getting killed, or B) killing myself. I'm starting to wonder what is up. My dreams have been intense lately in general though the death trend is what is bugging me. There doesn't seem to be much connection between the ways I die other than that I die, or nearly die and recover afterwards feeling a bit like "Whoops! Didn't work." or similar.

Cutting the dreams short to just the details surrounding the deaths, just this month I have been killed in dreams the following ways:-
  • While in a dream about living in a tree-top city I discover a hole in the ground below. Its full of giant metal teeth that are constantly grinding against each other. I want to study it but slip and fall into the grinder. Death is quick but grindy. :>
  • A group of people crash a fireside party. They are really interesting and in my excitement I jump into the fire for fun. Unfortunately it is wayyyy hotter than it should be and I burn up.
  • Following the building of an amusement park ride I take friends and family on a big ride. Once they're all safely on the ground in a new place I get on the ride again and deliberately make it go so fast I am squished by the G-force.
  • After trying to change the direction of a moving island by organising its underground 'slaves' to work the controls, raging underground beasts a bit like the Morlocks from The Time Machine by H.G. Wells turn up. I fight them yet lose when some of the slaves get guns and kill me because they find the conflict disturbing. I somehow recover to find I am a walking corpse without a head. Realising I can't live, see, hear, taste or think without a head yet am still doing so I suspect I'm living in a huge simulation and that I am now a 'glitch'. I hunt down a couple of the beasts and tame them, read in libraries to work out what kind of simulation I am in and what its purpose is, explore the island and more. No dramatic conclusion to the dream. I simply wake up.
  • I'm chatting with a group of younger guy friends. I offer them a small shot of something that put us to sleep and kill us peacefully, a bit like an overdose of barbiturates would. The vial I pour from says, "substantia nigra' (lots of associations). We all lie down and die, except I wake up afterwards feeling a little groggy. Darn. Didn't work. They won't wake up so it worked for them.
  • I'm dancing through a scene from the game Bioshock Infinite. I can hear this catchy pop-like dance tune and that is why I'm dancing. It starts to get like a crazy musical with lots of complex choreographed group dancing. At the end of one sequence I climb up onto the bow of a ship and hang from the tip like I'm a maidenhead. I nod to my fellow dancers, pull out a gun and blow my brains out.
  • The same night I had the above dream I also dreamt I was investigating a murder, my own murder. When I find out who the killer is he kills me with repeated stabbings. While I'm dying I feel like I should have seem it coming.
Look, this is freaky. I feel like this simply shouldn't be occuring in such a random way and so often.

A detail to know is that I don't feel at all suicidal in waking consciousness. The closest to that I feel is a low level feeling of existential boredom, frustration and meaningless. Its not like this is new though, and I don't feel like doing much about it because I'm bored of doing that too!

#2 jes

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Posted 15 June 2013 - 11:21 PM

Did these happen in order? It seems like you begin with an intentional embrace of death and now you are coming to terms with that embrace; such as the themes of investigation as on the island and the murder. Are you going through a personal change at the moment?
It doesn't matter what they say, in the jealous games people play - The Go-Gos

For my will is as strong as yours, and my kingdom is as great.... you have no power over me.

#3 TheCusp

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Posted 16 June 2013 - 12:46 AM

It's gotta be something that has caught your attention and hasn't let go.

Maybe something you saw on TV or n a movie, maybe a close call or near miss in real life. Anything like that you can think of?
“Come in close. Closer. Because the more you think you see, the easier it’ll be to fool you. Because what is seeing? You’re looking, but what you’re really doing is filtering, interpreting, searching for meaning. My job? To take that most precious of gifts you give me, your attention, and use it against you.” - Now You See Me

#4 Benubi

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Posted 16 June 2013 - 12:55 AM

View Postjes, on 15 June 2013 - 11:21 PM, said:

Did these happen in order? It seems like you begin with an intentional embrace of death and now you are coming to terms with that embrace; such as the themes of investigation as on the island and the murder. Are you going through a personal change at the moment?

Yes, they happened in order. After checking I see they occured over a longer period than just a month but in that order.

I'm trying to go through personal change at the moment, not very sucessfully. I strongly want to. That isn't a new feeling though. On the external side of things I'm shifting to a new career and (probably) moving to a new place, so that helps. Do you think that's all it is? It doesn't feel all that dramatic, since I'm not shy of relocating long distances or taking on different work.

Edit: Actually, scratch the part about not going through much change at the moment. All sorts of mild disturbances from the past have made themselves felt again for the first time in years. For example, I used to suddenly gasp for breath in shock while falling asleep each night. It felt like I was dying. After the gasp I could fall asleep just fine. This is happening again. Also I have an irrational fear I'm going mad, which I haven't had since I was a young teenager. It is annoying because the fear itself is the neurotic part. Heh.

View PostTheCusp, on 16 June 2013 - 12:46 AM, said:

It's gotta be something that has caught your attention and hasn't let go.

Maybe something you saw on TV or n a movie, maybe a close call or near miss in real life. Anything like that you can think of?

Um, well the associations from those dreams are many. I saw a film recently called John Dies at the End. Oddly, that film seems to have got into my psyche. Also another film called Enter the Void I saw which is a work of genius for the first half and boring as hell for the second. These films are heavily about psychedelics and death.

Edited by Benubi, 16 June 2013 - 01:01 AM.


#5 jes

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Posted 16 June 2013 - 02:22 AM

I've been getting flashbacks, well more like glimpses to neurotic states from years ago. If I'm busy I can say its ok, I'm past this. Or if I have time, it's productive to recognize that I'm more knowledgeable and able to deal with these things in depth. They were never fully resolved in the first place because I just banished them and although they aren't here to cause trouble, they still need attention.
It doesn't matter what they say, in the jealous games people play - The Go-Gos

For my will is as strong as yours, and my kingdom is as great.... you have no power over me.

#6 Reflectionseeker

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Posted 16 June 2013 - 08:38 AM

I believe that only the dreamer can interpret his dreams because only he fully understands the references. However after seeing how you've 'interpreted' them in writing them down, that old favourite the tarot Death card sprang into my mind.
In the story The Fool knows 'he has started on his spiritual journey in earnest, but feels strangely and profoundly sad, as if he has lost something'. When he sees the skeleton, he asks it, "Have I died?" and the skeleton says, "Yes, in a way".
In your case I think the skeleton says, "No, you haven't".
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#7 RoseRed

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Posted 16 June 2013 - 02:01 PM

Since these are in order I see a pattern.

In the first bunch you do some stupid shit and die from accidents but mostly it's your choices or clumsiness that kills you.

Then you have the walking corpse without a head dream. This one seems to be transitional. You died but you didn't. You have no purpose and try to figure out what it is, what you can do and how you're still managing to function.

The last ones are all about you trying to kill yourself and it's not working.
--------------------------------


Just a few ideas here:

- midlife crisis? I think that's more about finally becoming a 'grown-up' more-so than 'I'm gonna spazz and buy a corvette'. Things from the past are bothering you again - probably things that you either haven't settled or come to terms with. Well, duh - obviously, or they wouldn't creep up and take people by surprise.

I have a theory that the whole 'midlife crisis' thing is enforced Shadow Work. At some point we take a look inside and evaluate. I think it's worse for those who aren't into the occult because they generally don't.

- the stress of up and moving and starting over again gets more stressful the older we get.

- these dreams had a definite start date to them. That tells me that there was a trigger - no matter how small - something set them off.

- a spirit or entity in your peripheral that you're not really aware of yet. They can cause all sorts of crap and feed on it. It usually starts out as low level crap that's easily ignored until it snowballs and suddenly we're aware of it and wonder how it got so big.

- Have you started doing Shadow Work but not completed committed to it? That's really symbolic to death dreams.
--------------------------------------

We can't move on through the different phases of our life without leaving other parts behind. I've seen a lot of people try to and they seem to make a great big mess of things.

I think there's a lot of merit to ReflectionSeekers tarot story here.
When my wings get tired I grab my broom.

#8 SuccubusSherry

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Posted 16 June 2013 - 02:36 PM

I keep getting killed in meditations. I'm not sure whether you wanted to know that Benubi but in my case I'm sure I know which complex of ideas and symbolism it originates from. Have you got something that you are deeply involved in which has death symbolism in it ? You mentioned the game Bioshock Infinite; my husband plays the Bioshock games and he thinks they have occult symbolism, the Silent Hill games even more so. Maybe you pursue and explore something through games and other sources that has a connection with death, and it need not be negative because death plays such a vital role in nature.

I agree that Reflectionseeker's tarot interpretation is relevant too.
My blog has occult mini-stories and poems and links to longer fiction works: https://candyrayblog.wordpress.com/

#9 TheCusp

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Posted 16 June 2013 - 04:46 PM

View PostBenubi, on 16 June 2013 - 12:55 AM, said:

I used to suddenly gasp for breath in shock while falling asleep each night. It felt like I was dying. After the gasp I could fall asleep just fine. This is happening again. Also I have an irrational fear I'm going mad, which I haven't had since I was a young teenager. It is annoying because the fear itself is the neurotic part. Heh.

Could be a case of mild sleep apnea, which would certainly account for all the dying in your dreams. If you can't breathe, it feels like you're dying, which would explain all the death dreams. Although I would have expected more breathing related deaths, like drowning or smoke inhalation. Something I'll look into though, the dreams of those with sleep apnea.
“Come in close. Closer. Because the more you think you see, the easier it’ll be to fool you. Because what is seeing? You’re looking, but what you’re really doing is filtering, interpreting, searching for meaning. My job? To take that most precious of gifts you give me, your attention, and use it against you.” - Now You See Me

#10 jes

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Posted 17 June 2013 - 12:28 AM

It probably is sleep apnea. Hm, maybe Sherry is right, I don't know about the occult symbolism, but it is interesting that you dreamed about Bioshock Infinite and although I haven't seen those two movies you mentioned, I could also pick out at theme of breaking away from illusion i.e. Maya
It doesn't matter what they say, in the jealous games people play - The Go-Gos

For my will is as strong as yours, and my kingdom is as great.... you have no power over me.

#11 Benubi

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Posted 20 June 2013 - 02:48 AM

Thanks for the replies. Reading them and thinking about them has helped clarify much. You are a bright bunch. I feel like I've been greedy taking your time to respond to writing such vague vagary. Nonetheless it made a big difference so I'm happy I posted.

I haven't had any dreams about death since posting this topic. No sudden shocks trying to sleep either. The emerging feeling and pattern I've gotten from the dreams and am now experiencing is this: Longstanding frustration about external circumstances I can't change has, quite suddenly, lead to that frustration turning inward in an aggressive way. If I can't change 'the world' then maybe I can sublimate that energy into changing myself. If that sounds like a strange conclusion know that death wasn't the only major symbol in these dreams.

View PostTheCusp, on 16 June 2013 - 04:46 PM, said:

Could be a case of mild sleep apnea, which would certainly account for all the dying in your dreams. If you can't breathe, it feels like you're dying, which would explain all the death dreams. Although I would have expected more breathing related deaths, like drowning or smoke inhalation. Something I'll look into though, the dreams of those with sleep apnea.

As a simple cause I considered that it could well be the case. However, now I'm doubtful because 1) My partner and friends haven't noticed any unusual breathing or snoring. 2) I feel well rested after sleep and have robust fitness, high spirits & wakefulness, and 3) I'm not asleep when the shock thing happens and I don't always gasp. It only happens once per night before I fall asleep and am getting relaxed, if it happens at all. When this first started happening years ago it was a kind of PTSD thing where I'd associated falling asleep with dying. Hasn't happend for a while now since posting so maybe it was a blip triggered by thinking about death so much.

Edited by Benubi, 20 June 2013 - 02:48 AM.


#12 Reflectionseeker

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Posted 20 June 2013 - 07:29 AM

Benubi said:

Thanks for the replies. Reading them and thinking about them has helped clarify much. You are a bright bunch. I feel like I've been greedy taking your time to respond to writing such vague vagary. Nonetheless it made a big difference so I'm happy I posted.

How totally cool.

Benubi said:

I'm not asleep when the shock thing happens and I don't always gasp. It only happens once per night before I fall asleep and am getting relaxed, if it happens at all. When this first started happening years ago it was a kind of PTSD thing where I'd associated falling asleep with dying. Hasn't happend for a while now since posting so maybe it was a blip triggered by thinking about death so much.

Since you say it's linked to your dream theme I might be off-base but it's worth considering whether this sudden jolt is the occasional focal seizure known to pretty much everyone when dropping off to sleep or changing brain states. Which is nothing to worry about.
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#13 Qaexl

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Posted 20 June 2013 - 02:25 PM

View PostBenubi, on 15 June 2013 - 10:27 PM, said:

Look, this is freaky. I feel like this simply shouldn't be occuring in such a random way and so often.


There's nothing to interpret from this: all things that begin will eventually end, whether that's a transient emotion, a thought, a thoughtform, a paradigm, or an entire reality. There's no "should" about this. These things happen. Death of a body is a state transition. What makes you think of as "you" will eventually fade, though awareness without a "you" persists.

Some of those stories are pretty funny. But ultimately just that: stories. The more important thing is learning to remain calm and sane while things happens.

View PostBenubi, on 15 June 2013 - 10:27 PM, said:

The closest to that I feel is a low level feeling of existential boredom, frustration and meaningless. Its not like this is new though, and I don't feel like doing much about it because I'm bored of doing that too!


Yep. The existential boredom is a big part of this. "I want to do something but there's nothing I want to do. What's the point? I'm going to die anyways..." The chase after novelty and entertainment hides a deeper misery and suffering. The way out is to go in: learn to be aware in the present.

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#14 TheCusp

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Posted 20 June 2013 - 05:44 PM

View PostBenubi, on 20 June 2013 - 02:48 AM, said:

I'm not asleep when the shock thing happens and I don't always gasp. It only happens once per night before I fall asleep and am getting relaxed, if it happens at all. When this first started happening years ago it was a kind of PTSD thing where I'd associated falling asleep with dying. Hasn't happend for a while now since posting so maybe it was a blip triggered by thinking about death so much.

You get any sleep paralysis with that?
“Come in close. Closer. Because the more you think you see, the easier it’ll be to fool you. Because what is seeing? You’re looking, but what you’re really doing is filtering, interpreting, searching for meaning. My job? To take that most precious of gifts you give me, your attention, and use it against you.” - Now You See Me

#15 VIRAL

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Posted 21 June 2013 - 02:53 AM

Always be mindful of sensations inside your cranium, especially towards the base of the skull, when having unnerving dreams. Especially if they trigger a strong emotion in you.
Obviously your Dreamwright is not trying to be physically violent or you'd be dead or in bad shape.
So maybe try asking questions, or just saying something designed to illicit a response. If that's possible.

And enjoy your disasters!

Edited by VIRAL, 21 June 2013 - 02:54 AM.


#16 VIRAL

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Posted 21 June 2013 - 03:13 AM

If you're feeling really adventurous, ask to see a "Mazer" or a "Bazer" (I can't remember the exact term...) You'll probably get a response like "You want what?!?!" from Hypnos. Or maybe...


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#17 Benubi

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Posted 26 June 2013 - 12:06 AM

View PostReflectionseeker, on 20 June 2013 - 07:29 AM, said:

Since you say it's linked to your dream theme I might be off-base but it's worth considering whether this sudden jolt is the occasional focal seizure known to pretty much everyone when dropping off to sleep or changing brain states. Which is nothing to worry about.

The sudden jolt is related to that. You may notice that when you're slowly falling asleep or having a nap that your thoughts change from typical thoughts about your present state, things that have happened or matters at hand to a more immersive story driven stream of consciousness that can be quite otherworldly. 'Dream-like' basically. Just prior to the jolt I may notice this and have a thought like, "I'm falling asleep! No! Wake up!" Its nothing to worry about but as a habit it can assert itself quite automatically.

View PostQaexl, on 20 June 2013 - 02:25 PM, said:

Yep. The existential boredom is a big part of this. "I want to do something but there's nothing I want to do. What's the point? I'm going to die anyways..." The chase after novelty and entertainment hides a deeper misery and suffering. The way out is to go in: learn to be aware in the present.

But awareness in the present is BORING! Hahahaha. I'm joking. I'm sure my version of existential boredom hides a deeper misery and suffering and should know full well that awareness in the presence can overcome it. In the case of non-existential boredom, well that's just boredom and I have no problem with that except it probably lacks imagination.

View PostTheCusp, on 20 June 2013 - 05:44 PM, said:

You get any sleep paralysis with that?

No. An exception long ago was when the jolt was a regular thing. One night where I was so tired that I couldn't get myself awake with the jolt. I kept falling into sleep immediately afterwards but was uncomfortable being so compelled to do so withnot the normal, "Yes, I accept that I'm about to sleep and its not me dying". I felt effectively paralysed because of being so tired. I even managed to fall asleep on my face at one point after trying to get up off the bed which didn't make it easy to breathe. Each time I opened my eyes things and looked around things were happening in the room, or seemed about to happen that were scary. I ended up having one of those waking nightmares where you feel like you're awake and doing normal activities yet utterly unreal things are happening. I remember hearing someone at my door, going to see who it was and an old dog with my grandad's face was scratching at it from outside. I then ran into my front room, opened the heater cupboard and there were racks of dead people hanging in there. Ugh. Horrible.

I had another nightmare last night that had me waking up shouting, although my partner didn't hear me. It was terrifying. I won't go into it because it would be a long write up. However, in response at this point I'm preparing to take on some serious Shadow Work. RoseRed suggested this may be related to unfinished business of that sort. I'm not sure how one truly finishes Shadow Work or totally commits to it since it seems the kind of thing that comes and goes in waves indefinitely. Even still, never a bad time to confront one's demons, no?

View PostVIRAL, on 21 June 2013 - 03:13 AM, said:

Posted Image

I'm not feeling that adventurous!

#18 Qaexl

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Posted 26 June 2013 - 03:42 AM

View PostBenubi, on 26 June 2013 - 12:06 AM, said:

I'm sure my version of existential boredom hides a deeper misery and suffering and should know full well that awareness in the presence can overcome it. In the case of non-existential boredom, well that's just boredom and I have no problem with that except it probably lacks imagination.

If you have no problem with it, then you have no problem with it.

The existential one though, probably indicates you've tried all of this in previous lifetimes. Where you need to go is where you least likely expect. Maybe it is right here. Maybe not.

One possible source of insight, if you're into astrology, look up your North Lunar Node sign and house, and find the description in Martin Schulman's Karmic Astrology Vol 1: The Moon's Nodes and Reincarnation. (The stuff I've seen out in the open web about the lunar nodes have so far been crap).

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#19 z0b

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Posted 26 June 2013 - 03:36 PM

You control your dream world in that space you have the power of a god.The only way anything from the outside can influence you or take control is to trick you.So next time you dream you die don't and laugh if its a outside force doing it they will be disturbed by this and you will have peace for a time.Or just start programing what your going to dream before you go to sleep I learned to do this on my own at age 5 by dreaming of a ball bouncing of course I got tired of this in a month or so but I proved I could do it so I am sure anyone can.

#20 RoseRed

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Posted 26 June 2013 - 03:53 PM

I think what's happening with the jerking awake is a hynogogic (or hypnic) jerk. Here's the very short wiki page on it http://en.wikipedia....iki/Hypnic_jerk

I google a few different medical sites and apparently it happens to about 70% of the population at any given time - usually when you have some deep shit on your mind.

I don't know if you have health insurance but if you do (If you don't - it is friggin expensive!) - you might want to consider asking your doctor to have a sleep study done. It'll show you if there's anything wrong with you psychically. At the worst - it can put your mind at ease that your sleep issues are anxiety related. At the best - if there is a problem you can get it treated.

I also talked a tiny little bit about Shadow Work in the Ego Death thread.

Shadow Work is intensely personal and usually quite painful. I've found that it's not nearly as painful as people are afraid it's going to be. What most people don't realize is that they're already in pain. The things that we bury don't stay buried. They grow and putrefy and become bigger than they really are in our mind's eye when we glimpse at them.

I haven't read Jung in 20 years. (I can't believe it's been that long). I think it's possible I may have based my approach to SW in his writings (Sherry had mentioned something about Jung) but it's gone in it's own direction since then. Because SW is so intensely personal - it's not I usually discuss to much publicly other than I think that everybody should do it at some point.
When my wings get tired I grab my broom.





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