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Story Time: Learning Forgiveness (One Of My Personal Struggles)

Posted by Dogmother91, 23 October 2018 · 173 views

I guess that this is going to really just turn into a place to vent. The past year had been kind crazy and kinda not. I am going to post two different stories, because it is coming to the end of the year and these two stories have been the major turning point for me this year. if anyone reads this, would you be interested in hearing my EVP recordings? I was just curious, because it is October and I really want to make a paranormal team, but there are so many (in my area) that I either need to make one with starting point OR join a team...which isn't going to be easy. There are apparently over 154 teams in my state and that's a big ass number. in other news lets get started....

So in the start of the year I was helping my sister renovate a store to her vision of what she wanted her business, but after we found the electrical walls and wet walls it wasn't much fun after that. I got to go through the wall if you where wondering, but most of it consisted of waiting with the city inspector, grouting and just making sure everything that needed to be done when she wasn't there got done. Around this time I heard that my uncle has suddenly passed away. I was frustrated, aggravated with myself and I got a crash course in how self gives no royal fucks about the past.

Months before my uncles passing I had not heard from my aunts family in seven years or so. I tried connecting with them on social media, but I guess they where always busy. When we lost touched they had moved over 2K miles away, I was 17 and figuring out my life so there really wasn't any time to worry about if people had time for me. so I didn't. I had however started to have the day dreams again that I talked about previously, if anyone has read them, and the vision-ish state started again. This one wasn't so bad with the visions, because if I was doing my dishes I would imagine doing hers, or if I went food shopping I would imagine that I was in Phoenix having a good ol' time and if there where moments I needed someone to talk to we would have these talks in my head that she has no idea about it.

One things was very clear, she needed help and I was ready to give it. Instantly I knew that if I packed up all of my animals I would be able to get a job or housing and I was ready. I knew she needed the help and self was making me very aware of this. You also probably have no idea that I have a lot of animals that wouldn't do well moving over 2k miles. In my front room you will find three dogs, two bearded dragons, a chameleon and a community batta fish tank...that's not even half of my pets. There was no way I would be able to do what I was thinking about while keeping their best interest at heart. I have had a lot of work with abused animals and have adopted a good deal that needed a home, could I put them all through up rooting them and tossing them in cages or packages across country? uh no.

So I did what I often do, I ignored it and knew my aunt wouldn't respond if I attempted to reach out...so I didn't. I went about my now daily life of tending to my sisters business project. My mom gives me that call she always does "are you sitting down?" She asked and I knew where this had going and my uncle had died.

Now my response was weird, to most, and I said "that might be the best at least she (aunt) can live her life now." My aunt had married young to a man older than herself, was a good wife, but lacked in other areas. to put it kindly. I grew up loving my aunt and uncle, but he would beat his sons really bad. People knew better than to attempt to hit us (my moms kids) so no one ever did, but I have vivid memories of slamming bodies and screaming. My uncle would chase, intimidate and beat his step sons till he was no longer able to physically do so. yes, my uncle would even start doing it with them in their younger adult years and the boys always ran. the screaming though, the shrill begging, had haunted me most of my life. we would sleep on cots in the large computer room that the boys bedroom was off of and my uncle would come out saying "I told you boys to shut the hell up!" My uncle would come out stomping, silent and when that bedroom door shut so did our mouths. Our giggles turned more silent that fresh dead bodies (hopefully that isn't too dark).you get my point though and you would hear banging as he bounced their heads off of bedroom furniture. We know he did this (even though the door was shut), because one of the cousins would get bruises on the back of his head.

The thing is my older cousin now has a non cancerous mass in his head and has been legally diagnosed with the mental capacity of a 12 to 15 year old child, He's almost 33 now. Clearly my cousin suffered some mental damage. I was mad growing up, because no adult did anything. I was scared growing up, these nights over had been normal and the last time I had slept there I was about 8 years old. I didn't understand, wasn't that normal? my dad yelled a lot and their dad yelled a lot, wasn't that just what families did? weren't the boys being bad? yeah, my dad had some issues going on then so I thought it was normal for dads to get mad. I'm also one of those people who would wet the bed and sleep walk when they where stressed as a kid and I did that a lot there. I would sleep walk and do things like sit on the floor facing the couch, like I was watching TV, and one of the adults there remember saying "hey go back to bed" and I guess I did like this creepy motion and went back to bed.

in more present terms though? I was upset. again. I relived it. I could hear the door shut and I could hear them scream as they begged to not be hit and I couldn't do anything about it. again. I would stop What I was doing and put my head on one of the desks that where there at the time of renovating the building. I would give myself time to mourn the situation and I'd tell myself "that's done stop throwing a pity party, fuck."

There where many times I would pull out this computer and write, because I wanted to vent and I wanted people to know what he had done to them. I was vengeful. I stopped, knowing I was writing for the wrong reasons, and I would delete it every time, because the previous attempts where just too graphic. I would try to lightly skim on the situation, but to me it was always too graphic. there where holes too like "why? why would my parents let me stay the night there?!" or "why didn't anyone do anything? did they care? did they not really care about us?"

For months I yelled at my mom, because when it came to love, repressed memories and life I felt lied to. I felt like questioning every kind thing she had ever said to me. I then got into this negative state of mind and turned that mental gun on myself and I'd say to myself "you, you wanted to help these people? up root your life for shit?!" I felt like I betrayed myself. my cousins. I had confronted my aunt once and asked why she didn't stop him. She herself said that her husband never laid a hand a the boys, as he was currently chasing his step son into the downstairs when I was 15, and my other cousin looked...out of eye shot from his mother and just shook his head like I said something wrong. I asked something wrong. There was no sanity in that house, in those moments and if they wouldn't stop the only result was for someone to pass away.

so we waited it out, because by the time I was 15 the two boys had been around 18 and 19 years old...I was too late for CPS.

my aunt had recently moved back home when I was 15 (before going across the country) and I hadn't seen her since the days as a little kid at her other house.

here I was though having these visions of everything positive, to help my aunt, but I struggled with the "why" when there wasn't a why. I am well into my twenties, that was a long time ago and maybe I was the only one still upset. My sense of self was living in the "what" (the now) and my head had been drawn to the why of the past when it didn't need to. Sometimes families have dark moments, sometimes nothing gets done and I was holding on. self? didn't care that past trauma happened and it, for myself was only worried about preventing new trauma.

Why has the past year after my uncles death been so traumatic for my aunt? well she can't afford hardly anything, she lost a large part of their houses income and now she is struggling in an expensive state. There have also been personal legal issues to why she can't come back right now, due to my handy capped cousin, and we are currently waiting for things to process. You can tell I chose the best Interest of my animals, to not put them through moving, and didn't go. your sense of self sees shit coming from miles away and often it cares more about healing than your conscious self cares about realistic situations and why people who make their bed should lay in it. you see self was like "hey this persons jacked up mentally, but this could be a turning point for the lot of you and this is why you should pay attention."

This whole subject of forced lessons of forgiveness might be pretty obvious for others at more previous points in their lives, but I struggled with it a lot. like a lot a lot. That's something I was used to, how my family is and when we have been wronged we tend to hold onto it. I suppose my subconscious self had some plans on some deeper multiple levels and I had to take time to properly digest the whole situation. I mean there was past trauma, anger and damn visions? I put that topic down for a hot ass minute while I was mad, because I wasn't gonna rot my head with hate or pain instead of taking time to be self aware within it. I don't know about anyone else, but if I get overly emotional in a situation I have to step away from it...I just can't torture myself and then I can come back later to it when I don't feel like burning everything down haha..


If I made any serious typos I'm sorry, but that's a lot to go through.

I also get there are, probably, more serious topics, but for me I am just posting things that have been relevant in my own life and there really isn't anything else I know to post about. I go on multiple social media plat forms, there are a lot of people breaking down more advanced topics, but there aren't a crap ton of people talking about more 'in the moment' life posts or even videos, you know? I don't see the need to be like everyone else so I'm gonna do my own thing.