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My Relationship With Magic

Posted by Lazarus Benedict, 02 August 2015 · 1,549 views

Magic Roman Catholicism New Age Occult Chaos Magic Knowledge Sigil
I've been interested in magic since I was a child. I must admit it probably began with all the stories I was told and read growing up. Another probable influence would have been the Roman Catholicism I was raised with. Also my mother was into New Age stuff, so that might explain it. Whatever the influences were, deep down I always knew there was more to life than what was presented to me by the society and the people I related with on an everyday basis.

As I grew older, I started to read more and more books about the occult and magic. Strangely enough, many occult books I read warned against the practice of magic. Which evidently aroused my curiosity even more. As I neared the end of my teenage years and entered my 20's, I began experimenting.

I began with Chaos Magic, as this current had a pragmatic bent to it which appealed to me. I experimented a lot with sigil magic at first, seeing as it was so simple. And yes, in the back of my mind I knew that in one sense I was jerking off to doodles.

I've had many failures and some successes. Although even to this day, I wonder whether my failures were actually failures and whether I could attribute my successes to the magic I performed. A few examples might help. One day when I was about 21, a period when I was poor and basically wandering aimlessly through life, I decided to sigilize for some money. After I performed said magic, I went out for a walk. During my walk, I found a lottery ticket on the ground. No, it wasn't worth millions of dollars, just 10$. But I did find the experiment interesting. But this wasn't as interesting as my next example. During that time I was living in a shitty apartment building. It was noisy and run by a slumlord who only cared about collecting the rent. Being sick of the noise, I decided to created a viral servitor with the explicit mission to create silence. The next day, the landlord posted strict rules about noise and started throwing out and warning all the other noisy tenants. I really don't know how to explain that coincidence. It was just...weird. And yes, it made me even more curious about magic.

Fast forward till today. I'm now heading towards 40 and still interested in magic. Although I don't really care as much to use magic to get laid, make money etc. I want to understand reality on a deeper level. I think magic can open those doors. And yet I still consider myself a newbie. Yeah, I've read a lot of books, done some experiments. Yet, I don't think I deserve the title of "magician", "sorcerer" or what have you. I'm just curious and thirsty for knowledge. Deep down, I think I'm slowly getting ready to sacrifice a lot of the things most people want in life (family, friends, security, etc) for this knowledge.

Where all this will end, only time will tell...

Nice realistic reflection.Of interest here is how the one time Pagan author Nigel Jackson turned his back on his path to embrace the Catholic faith.Sort of inversion of your calling.
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